Hand-Slaughtered British Ox and Cabbage Flavour Crisps

What’s all the hype around ‘real crisps’? Calum Elliott gives us his opinion on the crunchy snack.

Salt and Vinegar. Ready Salted. Cheese and Onion. Simple, classic flavours. But, it’s never enough is it?

You’ve seen them. Advertised as a wholesome alternative to that crap Gary Lineker is shilling. They adorn the bar of your local pub and are offered proudly in the Tesco meal deal. I’m talking about so called “Real crisps”. Let’s go through a few hallmarks of this phenomenon that desperately need to be examined.

More “sophisticated” sounding flavours

Image from Google.

No longer can you enjoy a simple ‘ready salted’ packet. No, no, didn’t you get the memo? It’s now sea salted. Can someone explain to me the difference in taste between sea salt and regular salt? Taking a bite of one of these crisps does not conjure up beautiful images of the sea, which, by the way is full of raw sewage and oil.

 

Hand-cooked

Image from Google.

Riddle me this: Why should I expect greasy man hands to do a better job at creating crisps than a machine designed specifically for the task? It’s insulting to the entire robotics industry for which I have great personal investment.

Britishness

Image from Google.

Old photographs of the now deceased

Image from Google.

This one really disturbs me. These cheery images are presumably designed to elicit a kind of nostalgic response for a time in history when men were dying face down in the mud of the Somme and women weren’t allowed to vote.

I implore you, boycott these kinds of crisps wherever possible because, as one gentleman on this Kettle Chips advert rightly pointed out:

Image from Google.
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