I mean, he’s not Mr Right but he’ll do for Right Now.
We’ve all been there. Being your friend’s shoulder to cry on after another episode of ‘he did this’ and ‘I can’t believe he said that’. You know, the kind of night where you listen to the same old problems over and over again like a broken record. And your attempt to comfort always lead to inviting your two other friends – Ben & Jerry.
But, we can’t judge too much when they make up the next morning because WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.
We’ve been that friend who stays with the guy who’s cost us numerous mascara tubes wasted on tears. Sometimes, I blamed my deliriousness and extravagant display of stupidity on the inhalation of fumes from my mascara. But most times, I blame my lack of self-love and my inability to leave someone who I know does more harm than good.
There’s plenty of ways I can go about this. But firstly, ask yourself:
“Are you settling for less?”
If you answered NO, then you’re either in denial OR you need to click off this article because clearly you’ve found prince charming and we all wish you a happy ever after.
If you answered YES, then keep reading.
So you’ve established that you are settling, now let’s discuss the possible reasons.
Are you settling for less because…
1) You’re scared of being alone.
Frankly, you’d rather spend a night with someone who halfheartedly makes you feel wanted, than spend another night alone in your bed. The worst part, you don’t get a good morning text when you wake up.
But one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt in order to achieve happiness is:
You have to accept and love your own company before you can appreciate others.
Co-dependency is an issue that can drive you to stay with a monster because you’re too afraid to face the ache of loneliness. A boyfriend shouldn’t be used as a tool to fill the emotional void inside you. That’s your job. A boyfriend should be someone who adds a new layer of happiness on top of the one you’ve already built for yourself.
2) You’re in love with his potential rather than him right now.
You’re staying in the relationship in hopes of seeing change in the future. You’re hoping that one day, he will grow up and finally be the man that you know he is capable of being. You’re clinging on to the idea of him morphing into Mr Right, because he has the potential to be exactly that.
Listen, you’re chasing his potential which means you’re relying on a whole lot of ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’.
And girl, you deserve nothing less than certainty. Fair enough if you can actively see him wanting to progress into a better man. But that’s not your job to chase or to wait for. Remember your worth, ladies. None of us should be chasing anything other than bettering ourselves.
3) Convenience: It’s too much effort to end things.
Because the thought of breaking up with someone and starting over again is too daunting. You’ve worked hard to keep it this long, right? Why give up now?! Plus, everything is so settled. Breaking up would be such an inconvenience.
Change is a scary thought. We are creature of habits, we are attracted to what feels comfortable. But in order to achieve self-growth then we need to start stepping out of out comfort zone. Breaking up sounds terrifying. All the changes, the emotional turmoil and physical implications…
But pain is temporary.
As like any addiction, you’ll experience withdrawal symptoms from breaking up with someone. But that uncomfortable pain will not last as long as the feeling of regret when you realise you’ve wasted years of your life staying in an unhappy relationship because you were too scared to leave.
4) Because you believe that you don’t deserve any better.
Even though you cry now more than ever and you’ve discovered a new level of stress when bickering. You feel as if everything is OK? That this is just how relationships are. Everything is simply adequate. Hey, it’s better than nothing right?
Let me bring in a quote from a John Green novel: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” As cheesy as it is, it speaks volumes.
Every single day that you choose to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve you well, everyday you are accepting something that you know you don’t deserve.
Because you deserve better. And it’s now your job to make yourself realise that. All the love you’ve been pouring onto other people needs to be re-directed back to yourself. You should hold yourself at the highest regard because you deserve to truly love yourself first. It’s a goal to have enough self-love to distinguish what you deserve and what you don’t.
End of the day, I believe that we all know what we want. We know ourself well enough to know what we can tolerate and what we can’t. We all have different standards and different visions of what constitutes a happy and healthy relationship. Whether your Mr Right is the next Steve Jobs or he’s the lead guitarist to an indie band, we all know what sort of person we want to share our life with.
And, here at UnifiedFem, we’re all about bringing the strong, sassy woman out of us. And to be that strong woman, you have to determine your standards in life, set it in stone, and never ever fall below it. Because you’re worth having a Mr Right instead of a Mr Right Now.